I HAVE BEEN THERE BEFORE. -By Fidelia nowe


         I have been there before but no one was there for me, if I had known the dangers that lurked in the dark, in the secret, if I had known I would never be the same I would have listened dutifully, if anyone had told me back then that I could get lost and that i would probably never find myself again things would have been different.
        I still remember that night it's so clear like as if I am experiencing it all again, I remember shouting but it was as if they had borrowed my voice for one night , he did not care , he did not feel, he couldn't see the pain in my eyes. I don't think he knew the gravity of what he had done cause if he knew, he would never had done it, dreamt of it or even tried it, he took everything I had, everything I thought I knew of myself, my dreams, my hope all of it gone now and am not the only one lost , he who did it is lost too both parties are not do not remain the same.
       After that experience my whole life changed and I can't say it was for the best because now I can't even look myself in the mirror, I don't recognise me anymore am trapped in my own addictions because I felt that was the only way to go, I felt so awful and dirty name what did I not do masturbation , pornography and a whole lot , part of me just wanted to know why the fuss, the truth remains all those things were never part of my plans, but it wasn't my fault but my choice.
        Now when I say choice it sounds somehow considering the circumstances, but it happened and that was it but after that event my life was in my hands all the choices I made after that were mine , I let that experience define me, I let it take over my life , don't be like me but the only thing that I had in excess was love,  the love of God although it felt like I was alone but God was there for me and he is there for you too.
         You see I have been there before but God was there for me and he sent people to help me out of it although am not there yet it's a process and am a much better person for taking on the process, it still hurts sometimes and I can still feel it, but I have decided to not let it take over my life, somehow our experiences never leave us they remain but we can learn to live above them.
      I have done it, lived through it, but to you don't think it , don't try it ,don't do it, don't get lost in the addiction cause it never leaves you , you are never the same again. But for you that have done it, God loves you like he loved me and still loves me enough to set me free.

©Fidelia nowe


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